Trolling Amazon

Here are a few comical reviews I have written for products on Amazon. These reviews can still be viewed on Amazon.

REVIEW 1: The Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer

Product description: Teaches parents to distinguish the different types of cries of their baby

The Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer
The Why Cry Baby Crying Analyzer
Offered by Healthcheck Systems Inc
Price: $49.99

5.0 out of 5 stars Perfect for deciphering your child’s political views., April 24, 2013

I was born with a rare disorder that prevents me from having any basic form of parental intuition. As a result, when my infant began crying, I had no way of determining whether it was due to the fact that I hadn’t fed him in the last 12 hours, the fact that he’d been carrying a full diaper around for the past three days (the diaper box SAYS “for 15 lbs,” but don’t believe it!), or if he was simply bothered by our doomed economy as a result of Obama’s socialist agenda.

As soon as I heard about this cry-deciphering monitor, I purchased it immediately. This has been a literal godsend (metaphorically speaking). The guesswork is completely gone. Now, when my baby cries– even if he’s in the same room as me– I pull out the “why cry” and see what it says. Because it has such a wide array of display icons, it can now show me whether the baby is…

– STRESSED because he realizes the unbearable weight of our federal deficit rests on the shoulders of his generation

– SLEEPY because he is so tired of the left-wing wackos making emotional decisions rather than logical ones

– ANNOYED at the liberal media’s incessant need to hid the truth that america is going broke due to unsustainable social programs

– BORED of hearing President Obama’s constant lies and flip-flopping


– HUNGRY for a political leader who will finally represent the people rather than the lobbyists

This has truly been life-changing, not only because I can decipher my child’s cries, but also because it has confirmed that I am doing a proper job of training him to have a proper worldview.

WARNING: I do, however, have two complaints. First off, the Display icon chart is in both English AND Spanish. This is America. LEARN TO SPEAK AMERICAN! My baby doesn’t speak spanish. Why would the translation be in Spanish?
Secondly, this works on babies, but not so well on adults. When ever I try to use it to decipher what my wife is whining about, it seems stuck on the “ANNOYED” indicator, which is obviously not accurate.


REVIEW 2: Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol

Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (Two-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo + Digital Copy)
Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol (Two-Disc Blu-ray/DVD Combo + Digital Copy)
DVD ~ Tom Cruise
Price: $14.92

1 of 2 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Movie title is misleading!, January 3, 2013

The title says “Mission impossible” but, as demonstrated by the movie, the mission was completely possible. It would have been much more accurate to call it “Mission Improbable.”


REVIEW 3: Progressive International Compact Egg Slicer

Product Description:

  • Slice, wedge and half eggs and soft foods all in one tool
  • Works with eggs, strawberries and mushrooms; place food in center of base and select one slicer plate
Progressive International Compact Egg Slicer
Progressive International Compact Egg Slicer
Price: $9.08

6 of 19 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Misleading!, January 3, 2013

Don’t be fooled. Slicing an egg with this device is not as simple and fast as the manufacturers would have you believe!

I bought this device, placed an egg, and instead of making thin, even slices, it didn’t slice anything. Just smashed the egg to a complete mess. I called the support line and a guy from either India or Canada answered (I can never tell the difference, with their thick accents). He explained that the shell must first be REMOVED before attempting to slice the egg.

You’re telling me I forked out $10 for this time-saving device and I have to unshell the egg myself? Ridiculous!

Just to make him happy, I did as instructed and removed the shell, leaving only the thin membrane intact. Again, I stuck it in the egg slicer and THIS time it splatter in a big, nasty yellow mess! When I called the support line again, they told me the egg had to be boiled first!

Are you freaking kidding me? I fork out this money so I can have sliced eggs, and you’re telling me I have to BOIL the egg for God knows how long, and then I still have to remove the shell by myself before I can even USE the device?

Needless to say, I’m very disappointed.


REVIEW 4: Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer acording to JP Morgan Chase Goldman Sach.

Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer
Price: $3.59

11 of 11 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Only bends in one direction., January 3, 2013

At first I was really excited about this product. I mean, a device that will LITERALLY slice an ENTIRE banana in ONE movement? The possibilities were ENDLESS!

Within seconds of discovering the product, I ordered it. When it arrived, I rushed to the front door in nothing but my tighty-whiteys and tore open the packaging right there. I then took the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer to the kitchen and unpeeled a banana, only to discover that the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer curves in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION from my banana.

At first, I thought maybe it was just the banana, so I unpeeled another banana only to find that it, too bent in the OPPOSITE direction from the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer.

What a rip-off.


REVIEW 5: Chef’n Bananza Banana Slicer

Chef'n Bananza Banana Slicer
Chef’n Bananza Banana Slicer
Price: $9.99
9 used & new from $9.95

23 of 27 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Perfect for the future castrato in your family!, January 3, 2013

My wife and I are both opera singers, and have been for many years. Before I hit puberty, I could hit all the high notes, but then my voice changed and I’ve been a baritone ever since. My one regret in life is that I never had the chance to be a castrato.

Thanks to this amazing device, my son will not have to know the shame and embarrassment I experienced as a result of my voice change!

…also great for circumcisions, if you have a steady hand.


That’s all for now! If you have a suggestion for another product review, put it in the comments.  If you’ve done a funny review, GET YOUR OWN BLOG, YOU ATTENTION WHORE!