My Babylon Bee Articles

Since around spring of 2019, I have been regularly contributing to the Christian/Conservative satire website, The Babylon Bee.

Friends and family often ask which ones were by me (often guessing incorrectly). While it’s flattering when people ask me, “Hey did you write this one? It’s hilarious!” …The truth is that I’m surrounded by absolute comedic geniuses who are much better and more experienced at the craft than I am.

So, to save you the guesswork, I’ll try to keep this page updated with a list of articles I was involved with in one way or another:

4/22/19 Nation’s Grandmas Still Unclear On Difference Between Facebook Comment, Private Message
I didn’t write this one, but it was my first direct involvement with The Babylon Bee. My wife and I (and our terrible sheetrocking skills) were featured in the image for this article, which was written by my talented friend Ethan Nicolle. Apparently, our shoddy work was thoroughly mocked on Twitter.

5/7/19 Op-Ed: If Global Warming Is Real, How Do You Explain Ice Cream?
This was the first article I wrote. I had pitched some headlines before this, but this was my first time getting to write the whole thing (with a few helpful edits from our editor).

5/14/19 Local Introvert Won’t Stop Talking About Being An Introvert

5/23/19 Local Christian Squeezes In Quick, Silent Prayer Before Telling Friend, ‘I’m Praying For You’
This one may have been slightly autobiographical.

5/28/19 Groot In Hot Water After Recent ‘I Am Groot’ Comments

6/12/19 Rookie Mistake: Sound Guy Accidentally Unmutes Background Worship Singers

6/16/19 Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.

6/24/19 Calvary Chapel Pastor Claims To Teach The Bible Verse By Verse But Kinda Skips Through The Book Of Numbers

7/1/19 Uber Introduces UberAir For Megachurch Pastors Who Can’t Afford Their Own Luxury Jets

7/2/19 Youth Pastor Excited To Share All These Chuck Norris Jokes He Just Discovered

7/2/19 Hillary Proposes Reparations To Anyone Who Ever Lost A Presidential Election To Trump

7/4/19 New Progressive Bible Prints All References To Pride In Rainbow Colors

7/23/19 Sanders Campaign Raises Pay To $700 Per Hour By Laying Off Everyone Except Bernie

7/30/19 Snopes Issues Pre-Approval Of All Statements Made During Tonight’s Democratic Debate
I’m particularly proud of this one. It got a mention in the New York Times and was the top-performing article on Facebook related to the topic “democratic debate” on the day of one of the Democratic primary debates.

7/31/19 Church’s Rapidly Aging Singles Group Finally Promoted To Seniors Group
Slightly inspired by true events.

8/2/19 Natalie Portman To Play New Thor But Will Still Ask A Man To Hammer Stuff For Her

8/8/19 Berkeley Scientists Invent Contact Lens That Automatically Blurs Out Any Opposing Opinion

8/14/19 FDA Investigating Link Between Vaping, Looking Like A Total Cheese Bag

9/2/19 Trump Authorizes Nuking California To Prevent Future Earthquakes

9/11/19 Archaeologists: Pre-Inca Child Sacrifice Site Was Actually A Planned Parenthood
Sorry not sorry.

9/16/19 Democrats Warn That Radicalized Airplanes May Be Planning Another Major Attack

9/21/19 Trudeau Claims He Was Known As ‘Corn Pop’ Until A Cool White Dude Turned His Life Around

9/26/19 Man Sure Is Glad He Switched From E-Cigs To Regular, Healthier Cigarettes

11/8/19 Nation’s Christians Excitedly Anticipate New Believer’s First Doctrinal Error

12/6/19 ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ To Introduce First Lesbian AT-AT

12/6/19 World’s High School Dropouts Reveal They’ve Actually Been Protesting Climate Change This Whole Time

12/30/19 Elizabeth Warren Opens Casino To Help Finance Campaign

1/9/20 OOPS: Worship Band Accidentally Worships For Real During Rehearsal

1/10/20 New Feminist Tickle Me Elmo Just Says, ‘That Was Not Consensual’

1/16/20 ‘I’m The Student Loan Fairy And I’m Here To Pay Off Your Debts!’ Cries Elizabeth Warren While Dangling On Wires Above College Kids

1/23/20 New Star Trek Series Features Utopian Society Somehow Surviving Without Non-Binary Pronouns

1/29/20 Open-Minded Parents Bring Kids To Local Library’s ‘Pennywise The Clown Story Hour’

2/10/20 Backup Worship Singer Promoted To Having Mic Turned On

2/21/20 Facebook Adds New ‘Just Focusing On God Right Now’ Relationship Status

2/26/20 Catholic Plans To Spend Lent Giving Up Something He Really Shouldn’t Have Been Doing In The First Place

2/27/20 FBI Introduces New Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program