From 2019 to 2022 I was a writer for the Christian/Conservative satire website, The Babylon Bee, and later its sister site, Not the Bee.
Friends and family often ask which satire articles were by me (often guessing incorrectly). While it’s flattering when people ask me, “Hey did you write this one? It’s hilarious!” …The truth is that I was surrounded by absolute comedic geniuses, and it was an honor to be counted among them at all.
So, to save you the guesswork, I’ve created this page to include an incomplete list of articles I was involved with in one way or another. I’ve added a few thumbnails to highlight some of my favorites!
4/22/19 Nation’s Grandmas Still Unclear On Difference Between Facebook Comment, Private Message
I didn’t write this one, but it was my first direct involvement with The Babylon Bee. My wife and I (and our terrible sheetrocking skills) were featured in the image for this article, which was written by my talented friend Ethan Nicolle. Apparently, our shoddy work was thoroughly mocked on Twitter.
5/7/19 Op-Ed: If Global Warming Is Real, How Do You Explain Ice Cream?
This was the first article I wrote. I had pitched some headlines before this, but this was my first time getting to write the whole thing (with a few helpful edits from our editor). It’s such dumb humor, but I love it!
5/14/19 Local Introvert Won’t Stop Talking About Being An Introvert
5/23/19 Local Christian Squeezes In Quick, Silent Prayer Before Telling Friend, ‘I’m Praying For You’
This one may have been slightly autobiographical.
5/28/19 Groot In Hot Water After Recent ‘I Am Groot’ Comments
6/12/19 Rookie Mistake: Sound Guy Accidentally Unmutes Background Worship Singers
6/16/19 Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.
7/1/19 Uber Introduces UberAir For Megachurch Pastors Who Can’t Afford Their Own Luxury Jets
7/2/19 Youth Pastor Excited To Share All These Chuck Norris Jokes He Just Discovered
7/2/19 Hillary Proposes Reparations To Anyone Who Ever Lost A Presidential Election To Trump
7/4/19 New Progressive Bible Prints All References To Pride In Rainbow Colors
7/23/19 Sanders Campaign Raises Pay To $700 Per Hour By Laying Off Everyone Except Bernie
7/30/19 Snopes Issues Pre-Approval Of All Statements Made During Tonight’s Democratic Debate
I’m particularly proud of this one. It got a mention in the New York Times and was the top-performing article on Facebook related to the topic “democratic debate” on the day of one of the Democratic primary debates.
7/31/19 Church’s Rapidly Aging Singles Group Finally Promoted To Seniors Group
Slightly inspired by true events.
8/8/19 Berkeley Scientists Invent Contact Lens That Automatically Blurs Out Any Opposing Opinion
8/14/19 FDA Investigating Link Between Vaping, Looking Like A Total Cheese Bag
8/2/19 Natalie Portman To Play New Thor But Will Still Ask A Man To Hammer Stuff For Her
The Editor in Chief said this was the funniest article he’d read!
9/2/19 Trump Authorizes Nuking California To Prevent Future Earthquakes
9/11/19 Archaeologists: Pre-Inca Child Sacrifice Site Was Actually A Planned Parenthood
Sorry not sorry.
9/16/19 Democrats Warn That Radicalized Airplanes May Be Planning Another Major Attack
9/21/19 Trudeau Claims He Was Known As ‘Corn Pop’ Until A Cool White Dude Turned His Life Around
9/26/19 Man Sure Is Glad He Switched From E-Cigs To Regular, Healthier Cigarettes
11/8/19 Nation’s Christians Excitedly Anticipate New Believer’s First Doctrinal Error
12/6/19 ‘Rise Of Skywalker’ To Introduce First Lesbian AT-AT
12/6/19 World’s High School Dropouts Reveal They’ve Actually Been Protesting Climate Change This Whole Time
12/30/19 Elizabeth Warren Opens Casino To Help Finance Campaign
1/9/20 OOPS: Worship Band Accidentally Worships For Real During Rehearsal
1/10/20 New Feminist Tickle Me Elmo Just Says, ‘That Was Not Consensual’
1/16/20 ‘I’m The Student Loan Fairy And I’m Here To Pay Off Your Debts!’ Cries Elizabeth Warren While Dangling On Wires Above College Kids
1/23/20 New Star Trek Series Features Utopian Society Somehow Surviving Without Non-Binary Pronouns
1/29/20 Open-Minded Parents Bring Kids To Local Library’s ‘Pennywise The Clown Story Hour’
2/10/20 Backup Worship Singer Promoted To Having Mic Turned On
2/21/20 Facebook Adds New ‘Just Focusing On God Right Now’ Relationship Status
2/27/20 FBI Introduces New Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
LIST UPDATED 10/23/25:
3/26/20 Quarantined Journalist Really Starting To Annoy Family By Calling Them Racists All Day
3/27/20 Toilet Paper Crisis Solved As Government Prints Trillions Of Fresh, Soft Dollar Bills
5/18/20 Man Leaves The 99 Bible Verses That Contradict Him To Go Find The One That Doesn’t
5/20/20 Church Reheats 8-Week-Old Coffee
6/20/20 Study Shows Most Christian Theology About Hell Is Based On Far Side Cartoons
6/22/20 Twitter Introduces New ‘Send Mob’ Feature
7/2/20 Wolverine’s Gender Reassignment Surgery Unsuccessful Yet Again
7/15/20 Op-Ed: Women Can’t Play Trans Women Roles But Trans Women Are Women But [FATAL SYSTEM ERROR! SHUTTING DOWN!]
7/29/20 Founding Fathers Strapped Down In Graves To Prevent Further Spinning
7/31/20 Op-Ed: God, I Know You Promised Not To Send Another Flood, But It’s Ok, Really
8/21/20 Hollywood Elites Rush To Normalize Pedophilia Before They’re All Outed By Epstein Client List
8/25/20 Thousands Of Outraged Netflix Users Threaten To Stop Using Their Parents’ Netflix Account
9/3/20 American Tourist Surprised That Everyone In England Speaks In ‘Worship Leader’ Accent
9/10/20 New Smart Thermostat Automatically Sets Temperature To Whatever Your Wife Wants
10/26/21 Op-Ed: I Noticed You Didn’t Make It To Church During That Flash Flood Last Week
11/3/21 Dad Says It’s Okay To Watch Traumatically Gory R-Rated Movie Because At Least There Aren’t Any Boobs
And finally, possibly one of my proudest creations: The Babylon Mom Blog!
This was possibly the most fun series of articles I ever pitched and wrote for Babylon Bee; not only because of the creative fun of poking fun at all the Mommy blogger/influencer tropes, but because a number of people were 100% convinced that it MUST be a female writing these posts!
10/6/20 Babylon Mom: Be Present, Not Sober
10/10/20 Babylon Mom: How I Found More ‘Me Time’ After CPS Got Involved
10/16/20 Babylon Mom: How This #MomBoss Almost Breaks Even With Essential Oils!
11/23/20 Babylon Mom: How To Be Vulnerable While Still Showing Off Your Perfect Abs
10/31/21 Babylon Mom: It’s Important To Spend A Lot Of Time Doing Self-Care And Also Has Anyone Seen Aiden?
I’ll try to add to this list as I find more, but because The Babylon Bee doesn’t generally attach the authors to their specific work, it requires a lot of digging.
